Running Into Safe Arms....Angels PoV
by Nuttyginger
Summary: Lost Souls In LA find Each Other Again


Disclaimer: Nothing but the plot and Cloe and Jack. Everything else belongs to Joss, and all those rich folks at WB, Fox and Mutant (Grr, Arr) Enemy  
Clasification: Angel/Cordelia , Angst, soppy stuff.  
WARNING: Contains Themes on Domestic Violence, and Death.  
Goes with companion piece. "Running into Safe Arms....Cordelias PoV  
***************************************************************************************************************  
Running Into Safe Arms....Angel's PoV  
  
Where do you go when you're all alone in bed?  
Do you cry in your sleep 'Cos it's better left unsaid?  
Have you forgotten your past?  
That's how it seems  
Is it too hard to think so you edit your dreams   
And play them back again and again?  
Robbie Williams - These Dreams  
  
  
  
Pacing, I'm pacing again. It's a bad habit I've had since I got my soul back all those  
hundreds of years ago and didn't have anything else to do. I couldn't kill could I! I never  
had gotten over how empty the apartment seemed. If I sat down and listened I could  
still hear the sarcastic wit that Cordelia and Doyle slung at each other, or I could hear  
the clattering of forks on china plates when I cooked eggs for Wesley and Cordelia  
after a demon battle. Cordelia was intertwined in every memory, smell, and grain of wood  
in this apartment. Her laughter rings around in my dreams. She has been gone so long  
now I wish I could have gone back to the wedding day and told her the truth. It's too  
late now.   
  
Cordelia had found someone whom she liked and survived the grilling me and  
Wesley gave each of her dates. Richard stood there taking the questions in his stride.   
She would fling her graceful, thin arms in the air then turn shouting "I'll speak to you  
when I get back!" She never did. I had feelings for Cordelia, what feelings I wasn't  
sure. She had never gave me time to find out, explore. I had to let her go. Everytime she  
walked into the room I couldn't handle to see her so happy about someone else. It was  
selfish of me I know. I could be with her, no curse to worry about, but she didn't want  
me. Coffee with Richard turned into Lunch then to Dinner then one night she didn't  
come home to her apartment, then I knew things were serious. She would rattle on and  
on about Richard this and Richard that. He was a lawyer. I checked him out, he wasn't  
part of Wolfram and Hart, unfortunately. When she came bounding into the office  
shouting she was getting married to Richard I felt my heart drop. It was just me and  
Wesley left. She still phoned Wesley with any visions she had. I went to the wedding. It  
hurt me so much to see her pledge herself to someone else. I couldn't take the pain. I  
had made up my mind when she got married I wouldn't stalk her like I did to Buffy, I  
would let her lead a normal life. She deserved to live without evil in her life. I walked up  
to her after the ceremony and kissed her on the cheek. The tears creeping to my eyes  
and whispered a simple "Goodbye" in her ear. I turned and walked away. I didn't want  
her to see the tears tumble from my eyes or for her to hear the sound of my heart  
breaking.   
  
The sun had set so I headed out to find some demon scum to take out my angers  
out on. I had so many angers, so much pain. Life had been quite on the demon front. Now  
Cordelia just left messages on my answering machine. I kept every one of them, just to  
here her distant voice. She really was gone. The world was quiet, breathing a sigh of  
relieve after a solid 2 weeks of demon rising and battles that left us both weak and  
open.  
  
I headed home about 2am to find Dennis waiting for me. Wesley and Cordelia had  
found a 'Wandering' spell for him when Cordelia starting to spend most of her time out  
of the apartment, either at Angel Investigations or in the hospital, she used to miss  
Dennis so much. Again another memory of my Cordy embedded in my brain. He came to  
visit me lots whenever the new tenants in the apartment bugged him. He too decided not  
to visit Cordelia when she moved into Richard's. I don't think a ghost stalker has a place  
in a normal life. He was excited, swirling around the papers in the apartment and playing  
records that me and Cordelia used to dance to. I grabbed a piece of paper and a pen so  
Dennis could write down his message and stop messing up my apartment. I sat there and  
watched as he scrawled out the letters 'C.O.R.D.E.L.I.A' on the paper. "Dennis I thought  
we agreed that we would BOTH leave Cordelia alone to get on with her life." He  
continued to scrawl 'H.O.M.E A.G.A.I.N' across the paper in a furious manner. I stood  
there looking, seeing but not believing. My Cordy was home at the apartment again.  
"Dennis what is she doing back?" The pen took on a life of it's own again. 'C.R.Y.I.N.G,  
I.N P.A.I.N.' I sat not able to function till Dennis' invisible hand started pulling at my  
jumper for me to get up. I ran out the door and jump in my car. I couldn't waste a  
moment. I must have broke every traffic law LA could make up. It seemed like forever till I  
found myself outside the all to familiar door. I knocked on the door with a shaking fist. I  
saw her peak through the peephole. Yes it was her, I saw the deep hazel her eyes. She  
seemed to hesitate before opening door.   
  
Before me stood a slightly aged but as ever beautiful Cordelia Chase. I was  
scared she had changed but she was still the same except for the yellow bruise below  
her eye. I touched it as if I could make it disappear, what had happened to her? "Come  
in, please." she said. I hesitated before going in not sure if I was ready for this after all  
this time. She just sat on the couch, not unsure of what to say. "Please sit down." So I  
did. she started, "How did you know I'd be h..." I knew what she was asking but her voice  
seemed so unreal but her touch confirmed she was real enough. "Dennis." I simply  
muttered. What else could I say? I felt Dennis flutter on by, he must have been in the  
car. We sat there in silence for what seemed like forever but it wasn't enough. What I  
wanted to say I couldn't put into words so I tried a look instead but it never had worked  
in the past. I looked deep into her eyes hoping to find the answer to my many questions  
but I saw her eyes change, the shock left and slight happiness filled them. That  
happiness had disappeared the night she showed up at A.I about three weeks after  
Wesley died.   
  
Me and Wesley had been fighting a Woadan demon when I was staked just below  
the heart and the demon went to strike me. Wesley stepped in front of and took the full  
force of the demons on-hand spike. He never stood a chance. It all happened in slow motion  
in front of my eyes. I was helpless to stop it. Just like the people we helped, helpless. I  
had slunk back to the apartment and had a shower. I tried to wash the nights events off  
my skin, out of my memory. I wanted for him to walk through the door muttering on  
about the scroll in his stuck-up English voice, how I wanted to hear that voice. I had lost  
everything, Cordelia, Doyle, and now Wesley, Buffy would soon be gone. Buffy was  
already gone from my life, with the disappearance of her head down the stairs at the  
Police Station when they arrested Faith. I could go on no more. I headed for the roof, I  
could smell the sunrise long before I could see it. The sky was turning violet signalling  
the end of the night. I wanted to die. The last time I tried this the Gods were forgiving  
and made it snow so I could go on. Maybe this was the fate they intended for me. More  
pain then let him die, I didn't care. I heard the roof door open and I turned around to  
see Cordelia standing there with a tear-stained face. She must have come back to me.  
"Cordelia I don't want you to see this." She started crying again but these were tears of  
anger, her fists feebly hitting my chest. She was hoarsely shouting at me, yelling in pain.  
"Don't you dare leave me too." I looked down at her. I looked deep into her soul in a bid  
for her to understand my pain, my grief. "I can't cope with anymore grieve. First Doyle  
died, then Wesley and I have to live with the knowledge that Buffy will to die soon." I  
think what I was trying to say finally sunk in. "They were my friends to, I've lost them as  
well. I can't cope on my own Angel, look at me. Three weeks and I'm a mess. Don't  
abandon me as well. Please." I pulled her close to me, just to take the pain away. I  
couldn't think of what to say so I let my heart speak for me. "Time's a healer. Your  
tough, you'll survive. You don't need me anymore." She seemed surprised and her head  
lifted off my chest and I seen the hurt in her eyes. "Of course I need you. I need you  
much more than you'll ever know. You know me, you know I'm not the same sarcastic,  
spoilt, bitch anymore. I've seen I'm Queen C no more. I need you here to talk to , I need  
your help. We're both looking for our redemption. I need YOU to talk to me. You gave my  
life a purpose and how can I 'fight the good fight' without you? You die and my life has  
no purpose, no reason to go one. You know what that's like." Her voice cracked and we  
fell to the ground. I looked in her eyes and I finally I realised what my feelings were,  
what I felt for her. It was love, love of the purest kind. The burning smell of the dawn  
was getting worse. "I can smell the dawn, we better go."  
  
I felt Dennis nudge me in the back. She was still sitting next to me wearing my  
shirt. The bruise caught me eye again. I reached out to touch it, "What happened to  
your face?" She shied away from me. "Richard happened, don't worry I heal quickly now."  
I wanted to hold her, I just wanted to protect her. I put my arms around her, made a cage.  
While I could feel her heart beating she was safe. We were like that all night, tangled in  
each other.  
  
I felt her drag herself from arms. I opened my eyes to find a very confused and  
scared girl standing in front of me. She looked so like Cordelia, the same brown curls,  
the same hazel eyes which were now filling up with tears. I watched as Cordelia tip-toed  
over to her. "Who's this Cordelia?" I smiles as she jumped, the silent creep up still  
working. She introduced me to her daughter Cloe. She looked at me with her big sad  
eyes and burst into tears. She thought I was scary like this wait till I would Vamp out...  
I heard a soft whimpering cry as Cordy ran off to her bedroom. Cloe slowly made her  
way over to me and picked up her storybooks. She handed me 'The Little Mermaid' about  
a mermaid who turned in to Human. How appropriate. I sat there reading, smiling at the  
little version of Cordelia on my knee. The closest I would get to hold a child. I heard the  
wood creak as Cordelia leaned on the doorframe, watching me and Cloe. I was happy just  
to let her watch till I heard a high pitched gurgle coming from Cordelia's direction. I  
looked up to find her standing, still in my shirt, with a baby boy on her hip. He was  
gorgeous, black spiked hair and Cordelia's deep brown eyes. A grin passed to my face and  
no matter how I tried to stop it, it was there. "Well your full of surprises. Who is this?"  
She simply smiled and said, "This is my son Jack, and he needs fed." I couldn't believe it.  
My Cordelia Chase had two kids and looked so natural as a mother I never imagined her  
to be, maybe there was more. "Is there anyone else I have yet to meet?" She flashed a  
smile at me, god she looks so beautiful when she smiles. "No this is it, this is my little  
family." Family, the last time she had used that, I had just found out I was gonna turn  
Human one day , Cordelia had just come out the never-ending visions and I realised how  
much I really did need her, the biggest and, Me, Wesley and Cordelia were all together  
as a...family.  
  
We didn't really get a chance to talk what with Cloe wanting stories read and  
Jack needing fed and changed. There was also the dishes and shopping and laundry to be  
done. How did Cordelia cope with this everyday? Jack was asleep in his stroller in the  
corner while Cloe sat at my feet drawing. Cordelia broke the ice, I didn't know where to  
start. "Why did you come? I mean I know Dennis went and told you I was back but why  
did you come after all this time?" Well there was the crunch time to come clean. "I  
haven't seen you in 5 years, you show up at your old apartment, your my best friend, of  
course I was curious. I can't believe how much you've changed, but your the same in so  
many ways. I'm glad. I never imagined you with kids, never mind such beautiful children,  
They take after their mother. You still the vulnerable, scared Cordelia that has the  
other shell of an Ox. How could Richard do this to you? How could you take it. You  
should have came straight to me, I would have protected you. I've missed you so much."  
I let go and kissed he forehead. Telling the truth was harder than I thought. I was  
gonna tell her everything when she butted in. "Angel there is some stuff I have to tell  
you but can't go all wiggy on me OK? I couldn't turn to you because I couldn't face you.  
I was scared you would say 'I told you so'. I spent 2 years playing second best and after  
Wesley died you didn't want me around. I know to you I'm a complete reminder of  
Sunnydale and therefore Buffy." She stopped and looked at me. I had long let Buffy go.  
I didn't want to but in the end TPTB gave me no choice. "I fell...I fell in love and I  
couldn't do anything about it." I flinched. She was going to start talking about how much  
she still loved Richard, how could she after what he had done to her. Coming here was a  
mistake. I have to tell her the truth, the voice kept saying in my head. "Cordelia I know  
you fell in love Richard and I never stood in your way, no matter how much I wanted to,  
but you left and never looked back. I need to thank-you for allowing me to find my  
redemption but no matter how many lives I'm gonna save, they will all die eventually. I  
learned that when Doyle and Wesley died. Oh you don't know how much I've missed you.  
I didn't visit because I thought you were happy and I was an evil part of your life and  
you deserved a normal life." A tear escaped and she put her hand up to wipe it away, if  
only pain was that easy to take away. I couldn't bear a touch that didn't belong to me.  
"Angel, Angel look at me. I didn't fall in love with Richard. I never loved Richard." Oh,  
now I was confused. She didn't fall in love with Richard, there was someone else. She  
had left Richard because she loved someone else. Yeah this night was huge mistake. "I  
fell in love with...you. It was you that I have always loved. I tried to forget you by  
marrying Richard but it didn't work. I know you can't love me back and I have lived with  
that for 6 years. I couldn't watch you go back to Buffy and leave me all alone in LA 'Cos  
lets face it there is no one else to turn to for me anymore. So how is our little Slayer? I  
take it you did go back to her, you know since you could...now the souls padlocked." I sat  
there remember the day I tried to leave but I didn't want to, she had moved on, so had  
I. "Cordelia, I never went back to Buffy. I found out she died 3 months go. I never went  
back because I couldn't. I loved her, I always will, but we cause each other nothing but  
misery. I too had fell in love with someone else. I fell for you. I wish to the TPTB I knew  
why but I couldn't leave you alone." It took a moment or two to register with her, but  
her eyes sparked when it did.  
  
She pulled me up by my arms and looked at me with wickedness in her eyes. We  
walked by the sleeping babies to her room. She pulled me roughly onto her bed and her  
eyes begged me to make love to her, so I did. All my dreams were coming true. I kissing,  
holding the woman I had yearned after so long. She was mine and she loved me, nothing  
could be more complete. I felt an electric shock going through my body, then I felt the  
cold blood pumping through my veins getting warmer by the second, my heart beating. I  
was alive, Shansu! She left me to go and fed the children. She looked back and smiled at  
me lying in HER bed. I was Home.  
  
  
  
I would like to visit you for a while  
Get away and out of this city  
Maybe I shouldn't have called but someone had to be the first break  
We can go sit on your back porch  
Relax  
Talk about anything   
It don't matter  
I'll be courageous if you can pretend that you've forgiven me  
  
I know I let you down  
Again and again  
I know I never really treated you right  
I've paid the price   
I'm still paying for it everyday  
Savage Garden - I Don't Know You Anymore  
  
  
~*~FIN~*~ 


End file.
